Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
