Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
