Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
