I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
