He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
then he tried to convert me to islam
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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