Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
