I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
