someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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