yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
