So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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