Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
