hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
