Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
