He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
it was like eating out sand paper
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
