i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
