I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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