He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Four minutes until I can fart!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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