Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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