my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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