I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
