like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
