Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I need moral support for this bender
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
