so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
