Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
