I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
