I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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