if i can run in heels then i can drive
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
