R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
