Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
