i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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