I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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