Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
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I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
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Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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