today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
