what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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