I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
