just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Randomize
