Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
