Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
