It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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