either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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