anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.