Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker