I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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