soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
