Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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