Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
