for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
