It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
