Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
