Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize