Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
