Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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