how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
