The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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