dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
