I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
