im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
